Long Time, No See?

Hey, well, I know, I haven't posted here in a long time, but I've been extremely busy, way to busey to post, but, I'm here, I have a bit of free time because I'm sick, so I'm using it. I've been busy with friends, family, schoolwork, and of course, my own personal issues (the worst ones). But, your best bud the Max-ster is here to tell you aaaalll about it! Yippie.


Well.... lets see.... where to start.... I know I told you all about the issues with *shudder*...tom.... But those are over with now. He's a playing man-whore, and I hate him! ^.^ Simple as that. And with Raf, He's fine now. He has a mom and a home... you know, he's all good. Lets see.... well lets just say all my old issues are history, but now, I have been presented with many more big problems, worse big problems....


Problem 1:


Lets start with my brother, Brian. My brother Brian lives in California. He's married, two adorible kids, but he's having problems with his wife, and they might divorse. Brian wants to take custody of the kids, and I think he should too because Kandra is real irrisponsible... But thats not even close to how big some of my other issues are...



Problem 2:


Another one.... Well, I became absolute best friends with Brian Mitchell, we all did. He became like our brother, closer than ever. Well, turns out, Chappy, Dez, and Nudge all liked him, and things got a bit..... bumpy.... So to clear this up, I creating this little thing (which I won't mention or they will tear my throat out) that would help them not fight over him. Well, things went horribly wrong. He started to like ME. I was mortified. He shouldn't have liked me, no way! He should have liked one of the other girls who accually liked him that way but... it was me. Luckily, I didn't like him back, so no one hated me... yet. Gradualy, I began to realize... I liked him too. But I felt so horrible... So I never told anyone. For the longest time, I pretended to loath him, but soon.... Nudge just kinda got it out of me... So it was between me and Nudge. Time went on, and then I went to go hang at Chappy's for a while and... Brian came. By this time, I liked him, no question. While we were there, he asked me out, and I was speachless. He thought it was a rejection, but he had no idea how much I wanted to say yes, but in front of Chappy? How could I do that to her? So everything got confusing there, and then school came and he asked me out again, and I said yes. Chappy was devistated, and so was Desiray, but she was nice about it, she moved on but Chappy... SHe always talked about how sad she was, or how depressed she was right in front of me, and I hated it! I felt so horrible... Max, the heart-breaker, that was me! And soon, girls started threatening or getting threatened because so many girls other than me liked Brian.....


Problem 3:


This one is kind of a part of problem 2. Four days into mine and Brian's relationship, we were forced to break up. No one wanted us together. Everyone hated to see us together, and I was heart-broken. Then, I got angry. Chappy was part of the reason wehad to break up! But Chappy seemed to lighten up after we had to break up. But soon, I realized, I didn't like Brian... God no I didn't... (If you're reading this Bri.... Well, I'll be hiding in a rabbit-hole with a bag over my head, k?) I was in love with him. I never stopped thinking about him. I know, it sounds stupid to be in love when you're only my age, but I really was in love with him... And I felt like he didn't care about me... it still feels like he doesn't care for me in the same way I care for him...


Problem 4:


About a week later, I was on the phone with Nudge and Chappy, and I was talking to Brian online, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him ntohng, but he knew I was lying.... SO I told him what was wrong. And then, I got the news that would change my world. He was moving. I know, saying that would change my world sounds over-dramatic, but you'll see why it changed my world. This hit me like boulders coming at the speed of a race-car. I couldn't breath... I had to hang up with Chappy and Nudge, and I broke down. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard for four hours... Brian was moving... It just wouldn't set in my brain that he was going to leave. It felt like half of me was torn away, a part of I could never get back.


Problem 5:


Well, days went by. I still felt that same emptiness... that same pain like a dagger stuck in my chest. I wasn't smiling... I wasn't laughing... I was dead. But one day, finally, when I really broke down... I wasn;t thinking and I resorted to the worst thing I could have resorted to.... I was cutting. I was mortified at what I had done, and swore to myself I would never do it again... but it happened... I felt like an idiot, and soon, Nudge found out, and then Brian. Once again, time went by, the pain only got worse, and when the last day at school for Brian came, I broke down in second period, and I didn't stop untill I got home. Of coarse I saw him over winter break... but he left on New Years. It was the worst day of my life the day he left, because he took all of me with him.


So the pain got worse, and so did I. I cut deeper... I resorted to alchohol and inhailing... I was horrible... I was looking for life in all the wrong places. I was lost. I was broken. I was alone. I was afraid. Of coarse, Brian found out about all of this, tried to comfert me over the phone but... Phones don't have very warm embraces. But as time dragged on... I began to get other thoughts. WHy was I here? Do I belong here? WHat was my place? What was left for me here? And I began to get suicide thoughts. I didn't know what to do... I was scared, but I just wanted the pain to stop and it wouldn't.... But I decided to give life one last chance, a month, jsut a month, to see if anything would change.


Well a couple of weeks went by... nothing. I knew about this Battle Cry thing for the church Youth Group I heard might help me out, so I signed up for it. I still got worse and worse, and finally, Battle Cry came. We went there and had a great time ont he van, and what happened at Battle Cry... It changed me forever. I let go of everything. I was sick and tired of the misery. I wanted to feel alive again, and suddenly, letting go of all that stuff that night, taking the Lord fully... I didn't feel empty. I felt alive again.


So I went home, told my friends all the good news, how I was better, and I wanted to change the world, but something... something was still calling me to cut again... For two weeks I fought it desperately.... But I gave in. I did it again. I was horrified. What had I done? I told Nudge and Briand about it, and they both gave me amazing pep-talks... and... I haven't had a thought of it since.


But nothing is fine and dandy. Far from it. Something just still isn't right. Something is out of place or will be... I don't know yet, but I'm afraid.

~MaX, Savvy?