.xX:r a n d o m:Xx.

Well then, that last post was depressing and now, I'm posting directly after it to make things a bit happier....O.o mmk, lets get started! *pokes everyone in the head* WEE!!! I'm going to try and be randomly hyper and try and forget about my horrible day, because i lost my specail note-book! And about my last post, i forgot to mention one little thing:

I still need you guys.

Now that that ish done, I shall have fuuun. *pokes Dez in da head* *squeeks randomly* As you can see, I am very random. *randomly shoots a bunny with a bazooka* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! DIE BUNNY!!!!! DIIIIIIIEEE!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAA*cough*

Now I'm done.

~MaX, Savvy?

x.X|[I].t.[D].o.e.s.n.t.[S].t.o.p.|X.x

I don't know why I made that title.... Whatever. Even sinse yesterday, it's been getting worse. This hole... it's getting bigger and bigger and I don't know how to fill it. My friends keep on saying they're there for me, they'll never leave my side, blah blah blah, always the same thing to try and comfert me, and I know they'll always be there, I know all of that already! You don't have to keep saying the same thing! I feel bad for saying this, but I want to be left alone! I don't know why, but.... Being alone I feel safe, I can clear my head and think. Nothng is clear when I'm with people and I don't why. I've made a lot of new poems too.... Okay only two poems. I'm not so morbid like I used to be.... Only scared, confused, lost, and so much more. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm pushed everyone away, and I'm afraid I'm going to loose everyone with the way I'm going. I'm sorry for saying what I said but.... I just feel like that I don't know why.....


Now time for peotry::



We talk, we laugh, we smile,
But what for?
We say meaningless things,
just to make us laugh,
to cover everything we feel.

The sweet girl, her smile kind
Her voice sweet, her eyes welcoming,
She loves her family, friends
She perfect all around.
But she's so confused, why?
Her friends are in pain,
she doesn't know what to do.
c o n f u s i o n.

The funny girl, her eyes bright
her soul loving, her smile caring
she loves her friends, wants to help them
but when she is at home
she's alone, her world crumbling
she wants someone with her.
a l o n e.

The tough girl, her heart big
her hug warm, her step bounced
she protects her friends, loves them,
but inside, she's crying out.
she wants their attention
And she tells stories.
l o s t.

The silent girl, her mind complex
her heart turned cold, her smile gone
she stays by herself, pushed them away
She's screaming inside, dying,
she wants to be saved.
d e a d.

Life crumbles around them.
It all ends one day,
to no one's surprise.
No one left standing.
confusion, alone, lost, dead=
LIFE?
NO, it equals
CHAOS


Death Gone Unnoticed.
by Janae Mills

Running, hiding, cowering.
Is this what I am?
I'm forced to hide,
to hide from my pain.
I want to run, run away.
Why won't it leave me alone?
I'm sick of the pain,
of the misery, of the fear,
but it won't leave me alone.
They say they're at my side,
My friends would always be there.
But I don't want them there!
Why don't I want them there?
I want to be by myself, left alone,
but if I am, will I give in?
Will I fill that hole, with something I shouldn't?
I feel alone, I feel afraid, But I don't want anyone.
I want to stay alone, stay silent. But I'm screaming!
Can't anyone hear me? I scream and I cry,
won't anyone save me? Does anybody even notice?
Does anybody even care?
I want to be alone, but I don't want to fall.
Nobody sees me, hears me
falling away, screaming.
I'm dying inside, and no one even notices.
They think I'm okay,
"Nothing is wrong." I say,
"I'm okay."
But that's not what I'm saying!
"Help me!" I'm screaming,
"Save me."
But I'm falling. Dying. Screaming.
My death will come unnoticed.

~MaX, Savvy?

P.S. Just because I said that about my friends, doesn't mean I hate them. I still love them more than anything.

Eh.

Well, I'm sitting in science class right now. Boring, huh? I figured, hey, why not go on my blog and pointlessly post for my own entertainment? Well, so far it isn't working for me. Sigh, oh well, might as well get on with it.


So, nothing has changed since my last blog. Something still doesn't feel right, I don't know what it is, yaddi yaddi yadda... But, my grades are slipping, my parents are.... blah.... and there's this hole I can't fill, I don't know why it's there, and I don't know what I'm looking for to fill it. I just feel like that. So, I've decided, I'm going to pretend there's nothing wrong, like evrything is okay. I'll just forget everything... pretend like everything is okay. Maybe that help a little bit.... I don't know, but I can't figure out what's wrong with me.


And Desiray, I am so sorry. I really thought you knew about all that stuff. I thought Chappy or Liz would have told you what has been wrong with me lately. But I'm really sorry. At least now you know how bad it really got.... and how bad it really is..... and how bad it's really getting.... O.o But I love you Dez, keh? I know you can handle that stuff, I just thought you already knew...


OH! OH! I forgot! I wrote a poem!


Untitled
by Maxine Flyte

Morning light filters through the glass
What choice do I have but to wake
to face the day, to face the pain?
I pass through, a smile here, a laugh there
But why even bother?
It starts to get harder, to hide it all.
My pain grows, so does my silence.
Desolate, distracted.
I hate to be by myself, on my own.
But I want to be left alone.
So I lie to myself, I tell myself I'm all better
I want to believe it, but how can I?
My friends believe it, but why don't I?
I lie. I lie to them, to myself.
I flash a smile. Another lie. I laugh. Another lie.
I walk through the day, and It's all I can do,
just to make it through the day.
They think I'm better.
They think I'm happy.
But how could I be happy,
when I don't know where I belong?
When I don't know why I exist?
Something is missing, a big hole in my chest.
I don't know how to fill it.
I don't know why it's there.
So I'll fake another smile. I'll lie again,
until I find out why I'm not better.
Moonlight filters through the glass.
What choice do I have but to sleep
to face the night, to face my dreams?

~MaX, Savvy?

Long Time, No See?

Hey, well, I know, I haven't posted here in a long time, but I've been extremely busy, way to busey to post, but, I'm here, I have a bit of free time because I'm sick, so I'm using it. I've been busy with friends, family, schoolwork, and of course, my own personal issues (the worst ones). But, your best bud the Max-ster is here to tell you aaaalll about it! Yippie.


Well.... lets see.... where to start.... I know I told you all about the issues with *shudder*...tom.... But those are over with now. He's a playing man-whore, and I hate him! ^.^ Simple as that. And with Raf, He's fine now. He has a mom and a home... you know, he's all good. Lets see.... well lets just say all my old issues are history, but now, I have been presented with many more big problems, worse big problems....


Problem 1:


Lets start with my brother, Brian. My brother Brian lives in California. He's married, two adorible kids, but he's having problems with his wife, and they might divorse. Brian wants to take custody of the kids, and I think he should too because Kandra is real irrisponsible... But thats not even close to how big some of my other issues are...



Problem 2:


Another one.... Well, I became absolute best friends with Brian Mitchell, we all did. He became like our brother, closer than ever. Well, turns out, Chappy, Dez, and Nudge all liked him, and things got a bit..... bumpy.... So to clear this up, I creating this little thing (which I won't mention or they will tear my throat out) that would help them not fight over him. Well, things went horribly wrong. He started to like ME. I was mortified. He shouldn't have liked me, no way! He should have liked one of the other girls who accually liked him that way but... it was me. Luckily, I didn't like him back, so no one hated me... yet. Gradualy, I began to realize... I liked him too. But I felt so horrible... So I never told anyone. For the longest time, I pretended to loath him, but soon.... Nudge just kinda got it out of me... So it was between me and Nudge. Time went on, and then I went to go hang at Chappy's for a while and... Brian came. By this time, I liked him, no question. While we were there, he asked me out, and I was speachless. He thought it was a rejection, but he had no idea how much I wanted to say yes, but in front of Chappy? How could I do that to her? So everything got confusing there, and then school came and he asked me out again, and I said yes. Chappy was devistated, and so was Desiray, but she was nice about it, she moved on but Chappy... SHe always talked about how sad she was, or how depressed she was right in front of me, and I hated it! I felt so horrible... Max, the heart-breaker, that was me! And soon, girls started threatening or getting threatened because so many girls other than me liked Brian.....


Problem 3:


This one is kind of a part of problem 2. Four days into mine and Brian's relationship, we were forced to break up. No one wanted us together. Everyone hated to see us together, and I was heart-broken. Then, I got angry. Chappy was part of the reason wehad to break up! But Chappy seemed to lighten up after we had to break up. But soon, I realized, I didn't like Brian... God no I didn't... (If you're reading this Bri.... Well, I'll be hiding in a rabbit-hole with a bag over my head, k?) I was in love with him. I never stopped thinking about him. I know, it sounds stupid to be in love when you're only my age, but I really was in love with him... And I felt like he didn't care about me... it still feels like he doesn't care for me in the same way I care for him...


Problem 4:


About a week later, I was on the phone with Nudge and Chappy, and I was talking to Brian online, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him ntohng, but he knew I was lying.... SO I told him what was wrong. And then, I got the news that would change my world. He was moving. I know, saying that would change my world sounds over-dramatic, but you'll see why it changed my world. This hit me like boulders coming at the speed of a race-car. I couldn't breath... I had to hang up with Chappy and Nudge, and I broke down. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard for four hours... Brian was moving... It just wouldn't set in my brain that he was going to leave. It felt like half of me was torn away, a part of I could never get back.


Problem 5:


Well, days went by. I still felt that same emptiness... that same pain like a dagger stuck in my chest. I wasn't smiling... I wasn't laughing... I was dead. But one day, finally, when I really broke down... I wasn;t thinking and I resorted to the worst thing I could have resorted to.... I was cutting. I was mortified at what I had done, and swore to myself I would never do it again... but it happened... I felt like an idiot, and soon, Nudge found out, and then Brian. Once again, time went by, the pain only got worse, and when the last day at school for Brian came, I broke down in second period, and I didn't stop untill I got home. Of coarse I saw him over winter break... but he left on New Years. It was the worst day of my life the day he left, because he took all of me with him.


So the pain got worse, and so did I. I cut deeper... I resorted to alchohol and inhailing... I was horrible... I was looking for life in all the wrong places. I was lost. I was broken. I was alone. I was afraid. Of coarse, Brian found out about all of this, tried to comfert me over the phone but... Phones don't have very warm embraces. But as time dragged on... I began to get other thoughts. WHy was I here? Do I belong here? WHat was my place? What was left for me here? And I began to get suicide thoughts. I didn't know what to do... I was scared, but I just wanted the pain to stop and it wouldn't.... But I decided to give life one last chance, a month, jsut a month, to see if anything would change.


Well a couple of weeks went by... nothing. I knew about this Battle Cry thing for the church Youth Group I heard might help me out, so I signed up for it. I still got worse and worse, and finally, Battle Cry came. We went there and had a great time ont he van, and what happened at Battle Cry... It changed me forever. I let go of everything. I was sick and tired of the misery. I wanted to feel alive again, and suddenly, letting go of all that stuff that night, taking the Lord fully... I didn't feel empty. I felt alive again.


So I went home, told my friends all the good news, how I was better, and I wanted to change the world, but something... something was still calling me to cut again... For two weeks I fought it desperately.... But I gave in. I did it again. I was horrified. What had I done? I told Nudge and Briand about it, and they both gave me amazing pep-talks... and... I haven't had a thought of it since.


But nothing is fine and dandy. Far from it. Something just still isn't right. Something is out of place or will be... I don't know yet, but I'm afraid.

~MaX, Savvy?