My last resort....

Okay. I haven't blogged in forever, and there is a good reason. I have been going through too much. But my issue? Suicide. For a while, it was jsut the mere thought, but I was scared of it, so I got prayer... but... I didn't let it work. I guess.... in a way, I was letting myself think that. I remember one night, i was arguing with myself, don't give in, don't give in! While I was also saying: Stop fighting! Stop fighting! It's to hard! I dont even remember how it ended.... but I guess it ended with me giving into this deamon planted inside me. I began to wonder, what would it be like if I were gone? I thought it would be great, accually. No more, pain, no more lies, no more worry, no more sickness... Everything would be perfect. So I started by writing letters to myself. I would write letters to myself telling myself what was wrong. I would tell myself my parents didn't care. They never cared. I would tell myself I was worthless lying scum that everyone hated, and sooner or later, i convinced myself of it. Then I grabbed a gun from the basement. I had the trigger ready to pull at my temple, but I decided against it. I had to make sure everyone was okay before I left. So I lived another day. Yestderday, I made sure everyone was alright, so I figured, heck, why not throw in a suicide note? So I did. I wrote it today.
I wrote it, and.... I want to tear it apart. I want to shred it to pieces. I don't know why, but when I was jsut getting ready to accually go through with it, I suddenly broke out sobbing. I was sobbing and crying and weeping... and I couldn't stop. The only thing I could even think was 'I'm sorry'. I think I was speaking to God. I think I was telling him I'm sorry... and I am... I let this deamon in me! I let it take over and destroy me from the inside out like a little paricite! But I need perfessional help. I need it horribly bad. I need help.
But I'm sick of everyone just giving me advice and telling em they love me and that I'm not alone. I've heard it already! All they're doing is repeating things over and over! I'm sick of it! I want someone who will listen to me! No.... not even listen. I jsut want them there to hold me. To hold me tight and let me cry. Just let me sobb and cry while they hold me. I don't want to talk about it, I jsut want to break down and cry in someone's arms. I want them to hold me and tell me.... tell me I'm beautiful. I never here that. Tell me I'm perfection in God's eyes. Tell me there is nothing wrong with me in God's eyes. Tell me that in THEIR eyes I'm beautiful and wonderful... I need someone who truely loves me just to hold me... Hold me tightly...
I don't want to jsut be another statistic! I want to be loved, and cared for. I want someone who will listen. I want someone who will just have fun with me! Someone I can joke around with and have a silly day with, no bad thoughts, no seriousness, just a fun day eating ice cream, seeing movies, taking a walk, shopping, going to the beach, dancing... Anything. But I need help.

So please.... I'm begging anyone who reads this...

Help me.



Max.

Uh-Oh!

I just realized, I'll have to make a new blog next year! =O I won't be as BEMS anymore... I'll be at BEHS..... YAY!! HIGHSCHOOL!! -.- What a joy.

Anyways, in other news:

This Friday is the "Spring-Fling" (middle school); Dez, Chappy, and Nudge won't stop bugging for me and Jason to hug; I'm getting a hair cut and glassed (uhg); and life is really looking up! Yay!!

~MaX, Savvy?

Pure

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfyi0Pky0Vo

Listen to it.

Anywas, well. Everything is amazing, and slightly sad. =[ But more amazing than sad. =D Anyways, I had the most amazing day yesterday. Angel came over, and we did something. We were both depressed, more depressed than most people thought, and we would write poetry and write depressing notes to each other, and you want to know what we did? First, we burned one. Then Angel freaked so we shredded the rest in a shredder! We got rid of our past together, but that wasn't enough for me. I got rid of everything. I got rid of the things that I got high with. I got rid of everything I cut with. I chucked it all into the woods forever, never to be seen again! So I'm free. I'm free again, the shackles gone, fallen off.

That sad thing... On the 24th will be the 15 month anniversary of his death. River Flyte, the one I've known since I was two. The one I had fallen in love with. Every day I think of him, and will never forget him. I remember the night more clearly than anything. Murdered. Cold blood murder. But I can't change it. So all i can do is keep him deep within me. Always remember him. I have to hold on and stay strong, no matter how painful the memory is, I will stay strong.

~MaX, Savvy?

Yeah, yeah...

I know, I lied. I said I would be back the next day, but you know what? Life goes on! Deal! *ehem* Anyways. Sorry about leaving you with that terribly depressing note on the thirty first, but things are worse. Much worse. I don't even know If I can handle it.

My dog, Abby? She died.


































































APRIL FOOOOOOOOOOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!











Sorry, I just couldn't resist. No, my doggy is jsut fine! I promise. Well, today is April 1st, and I lived without getting pranked!!! YAAAAAAY!!!!!! Amazing huh? But, I had a pretty good day today. Kinda tiring, but It was fun. I got new shoes and a nice dress when i went shopping yesterday too. So, overall, it's been better for the past two days.

Well, that's all.

TAH TAH FOR NOW!!

~MaX, Savvy?

A couple of things.

Okay. So much has happened since the last time I have blogged. There is good news, bad news... and news news. Yes readers and bloggers, I said news news. But a lot of people are hurting, thanks to me, and to some people who will not be living much longer.... *shifty*

Numero Uno- Well, I may have to go to jail. O.o Only because this kid, Sk8er Boy, may die by my hands. He was a complete jerk to Angel, so now, he dies. He humiliated her, and NO ONE, i say, NO ONE, will ever hurt my Angel without some major pain!!!!! *snarles and froaths at mouth*

Numero Does- Well, my best friend, Angel... She's not doing well with the whole Sk8er Boy calling her stalker and phycotic bitch, and I love her. I hate to see her like this... It's horrible...

Numero Tres- I have many things on my mind. And I don't know why but lately, everything around me, no matter what it is, has been pissing me off. Even my friends, and for no reason! I hold back my anger at them, but I don't even know WHY I get frustrated or annoyed with them. They aren't doing anything wrong... It's just... I've had this anger in me that won't go away... And I don't know what it is.

Numero Quatro- I got over him. It took so long... But I did it. He's not chaining me down anymore. I'll always care for Brian, but I won't let him take hold of my life anymore. I have a new boyfriend now. Jason, and he's great. But... he's a big part of why I'm okay now. As soon as I said yes to him, I let go of Brian. Jason kind of... set me free. Even if our relationshp doesn't work out (wich it has been going great so far even though I'm kind of a horrible g/f), I'll always be greatful of him.

Numero- Well, I'm doing better. A lot better than I used to. You know, I was into that horrible stuff, but... I've been getting stronger in my Christain life. I have been talking to more people, and it helps. I've been getting better and stronger, and I stopped cutting. So, that's good news. But there is a bad side to this. It's been hard still. I have had the urge to do it again... and it's kind of scary. I used to be numb, you know, not feel anything? But now... everything hurts... it hurts... and it won't stop hurting. I mean, yeah. it's great that I can feel happy, and exited, and nervouse, and anxiouse, and joyfull again... but i can feel everything else too. It feels like I'm in way over my head... and I'm fighting and fighting... but it jsut gets so hard! I just want to give up and fall down again! But I'm afraid to... And no one even knows what's happening to me! It's... horrible.

So yeah. That's pretty much it. I'm out and will be back tomarrow!

~MaX, Savvy?

|o.x.X|[U].p.d.a.t.e.|X.x.o|

Well, I'm just updating all of you. Not much has changed. I still don't know what i want, don't know what's wrong with me, but there's something. I still need my friends, but for some reason, I love to be alone... By myself. So really, nothing has changed.

For an update on my outside life, not my.... emotional... life...O.o.... Well, My brother Brian still might devorce Kandra, so he'll have to fight for the custody of the kids. But at school, in health class, I might get my baby soon, but whatever. I'll deal with it. And now, Jeremy, the asshole I want to murder, is trying to get me and my friends to sing. But we're not going to, not without the other two. You see, we have this singing group, called Far From Innocence. There are six of us, but right now, there are only four of us in this class, and we refuse to sing without the other two. But he's leaving us alone now.
Well, I should be working on my schoolwork right now.... Whatever. I just can't wait for the day to end. I mean, I hate this. There's this hole... This emptiness.... and I don't know why it's there. I don't know what I want, I don't know hwo to fill that hole. I don't know what's wrong with me. But there's something wrong. I've been hating everything lately. I've been quiet annd stuff, and I think my friends will notice sooner or later. And when they ask me what's wrong.... I won't know what to tell them. I don't know what's wrong with me. Oh damn, they're going to read this. Nevermind, I guess they already know what's wrong with me.... or what isn't wrong with me..... Or no.... They know that something is wrong with me but I don't know what's wrong with me so they know that I don't know what's wrong with me.
There we go.

POETRY TIME!!
*leaps up onto stage and takes sip of water* ehem. *clears throat and taps mic*

Feeling
by Janae Mills

I walk the halls, laughing, smiling,
I walk at their side, talking and joking.
I'm lying to them.
I laugh. Another lie.
I smile. Another lie.
We say funny things, to make us laugh,
but what does it mean?
Where's the point in all of this?
Everything we say, we do,
meaningless.
We do it all, thinking it's how to live.
No. It's not.
It's all meaningless, but I want meaning.
I want things to mean something.
I want to feel like things matter.
I want to know what the point is.
I want to live everything to the fullest.
So why won't I?
I've become hard, cold.
My feelings have hardened,
so now I'm pushing them away.
Do I have any feeling left?
I want to love them,
I want to have fun with them,
But do I even have love in me?
They think I'm okay
They think I can feel them
But I've become hard, cold, numb.

~MaX, Savvy?

.xX:r a n d o m:Xx.

Well then, that last post was depressing and now, I'm posting directly after it to make things a bit happier....O.o mmk, lets get started! *pokes everyone in the head* WEE!!! I'm going to try and be randomly hyper and try and forget about my horrible day, because i lost my specail note-book! And about my last post, i forgot to mention one little thing:

I still need you guys.

Now that that ish done, I shall have fuuun. *pokes Dez in da head* *squeeks randomly* As you can see, I am very random. *randomly shoots a bunny with a bazooka* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! DIE BUNNY!!!!! DIIIIIIIEEE!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAA*cough*

Now I'm done.

~MaX, Savvy?