Well, I'm just updating all of you. Not much has changed. I still don't know what i want, don't know what's wrong with me, but there's something. I still need my friends, but for some reason, I love to be alone... By myself. So really, nothing has changed.
For an update on my outside life, not my.... emotional... life...O.o.... Well, My brother Brian still might devorce Kandra, so he'll have to fight for the custody of the kids. But at school, in health class, I might get my baby soon, but whatever. I'll deal with it. And now, Jeremy, the asshole I want to murder, is trying to get me and my friends to sing. But we're not going to, not without the other two. You see, we have this singing group, called Far From Innocence. There are six of us, but right now, there are only four of us in this class, and we refuse to sing without the other two. But he's leaving us alone now.
Well, I should be working on my schoolwork right now.... Whatever. I just can't wait for the day to end. I mean, I hate this. There's this hole... This emptiness.... and I don't know why it's there. I don't know what I want, I don't know hwo to fill that hole. I don't know what's wrong with me. But there's something wrong. I've been hating everything lately. I've been quiet annd stuff, and I think my friends will notice sooner or later. And when they ask me what's wrong.... I won't know what to tell them. I don't know what's wrong with me. Oh damn, they're going to read this. Nevermind, I guess they already know what's wrong with me.... or what isn't wrong with me..... Or no.... They know that something is wrong with me but I don't know what's wrong with me so they know that I don't know what's wrong with me.
There we go.
POETRY TIME!!
*leaps up onto stage and takes sip of water* ehem. *clears throat and taps mic*
Feeling
by Janae Mills
I walk the halls, laughing, smiling,
I walk at their side, talking and joking.
I'm lying to them.
I laugh. Another lie.
I smile. Another lie.
We say funny things, to make us laugh,
but what does it mean?
Where's the point in all of this?
Everything we say, we do,
meaningless.
We do it all, thinking it's how to live.
No. It's not.
It's all meaningless, but I want meaning.
I want things to mean something.
I want to feel like things matter.
I want to know what the point is.
I want to live everything to the fullest.
So why won't I?
I've become hard, cold.
My feelings have hardened,
so now I'm pushing them away.
Do I have any feeling left?
I want to love them,
I want to have fun with them,
But do I even have love in me?
They think I'm okay
They think I can feel them
But I've become hard, cold, numb.
~MaX, Savvy?
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3 comments:
i no u dont want help, like this, but i think seriously you need 2 see someone who can help u. u cant do this on ur own, and we dont know what to do... or at least i dont, they can help u janae... no more secrets...
janae,
i think thats really good that you got ur feelings out in ur poem, but i agree w/ dez.
I should talk to you cuz its kinda important. i feel like the same way. I'm lying to you and everyone else, ioncluding myself. please just read my blog because i NEED and WANT help. I don't want to sound mean or w/e but i think ur one of the only ones who can help me because you've been thru this. plese help me. i luvers u like a sister and I don't u to go back to what you did b4. I don't want to be like this either. PLEASE HELP ME!! SOS!! =[
Janae, I reeeally think that you should get help. I don't f***ing care if you don't think that they care about your problems. You NEED the help. I'm reeeally just tired of the secrecy. I can't stand the quiet anymore. It's like a quiet that so deafening that I can't hear anything else. Meaning, that if you're like this all the time, then I can't focus on anything in my life. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I don't think any of us do. I just want to know what's going on and I want to know it now. Just remember that we really love you and that we reeeeally care about you A LOT!!!! And even though I'm not really good at giving advice, at least talk to me through aim or phone. Please. I don't want it to get any worse. Please.
I love you like a sister.
Love,
Chappy™ <3
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